Waiting For The Miracle To Come

Dear Wilson,

cardinalcave:

Wilson,

I know you have been skipping school ( I was once your age too although I am old now and I know you think I was born old and that is the essence of youth dear invisi-pet sheep dog) BUT, I am not upset with you. I just want you to know that. I can tell you are trying desperately to hide that fact from me on the phone since I have been away. I also saw the phone charges on your “fictional-not-real-animal-cell-phone” you got for your last birthday, and I am not sure who you are calling at those hours (?) but as long as you keep it to once or twice a week I am sure it will be fine- but remember- if it someone you admire, some invisi-pet across the globe, that writing a letter can be sometimes far more effective and also, a personal touch- an actual document is regarded very highly to a friend or a possible crush- as we are now (even for some time before you were born)- in a world of fleeting digital sentiments and they can sometimes make for disconnections-( trust me )- there was once only us living things and our handwriting and our memorized telephone numbers (we had to do that, i knew TONS by heart) to pass along our story, day to day, year to year.

Please listen to Baranbus, he is older and he understands a great deal more than you think even if he comes off “bossy” (your words not mine) but this is because he cares a great deal for you as you are his younger brother and PLEASE make sure Dumont is taking his medication. I noticed when he started to get “a little quiet” a few weeks before I left for work. I worry about him. He reads far too much Sartre and I think as much as he loves you and Barbabus and home he really feels far away inside. He has some of the same issues I have- and you must be careful with him.He is and will always be French through and through and his issues are his own. He is proud and noble and it is his nature to hide things from you when he is feeling very unwell and sad. Be patient with him Wilson, you are by nature full of hope and as much as he seems put off by that, when you are not looking, it does rub off on him and I see a slight smirk in his posture, sitting there not moving as invisi-pets often do when they are lost in thought.You have to just try and understand your adopted inivi-brother and accept him for who he is, and love him all the same on his good days and bad.

Work has been very trying and I miss staring blankly at you at home and sleeping for four or five days in a row. Also, I miss movie night and even though you are always so happy to eat fruit-salad with me on the t.v. tray on the bed while I suffer my depressions, I think it’s marvelous you have taken such affinity for Elizabeth Bowen. I will buy you  copy of “The Heat of the Day” while I am abroad and I’m sure you will like it as much as “The Death of the Heart” although, I did notice you are reading it AGAIN- (you do that a lot when you like a book- and you think, “oh dad, he’s so self-centered he doesn’t notice”) well- ha! and just look, pops has some life left in him yet.

anyway, it’s cold here and I stayed at a hotel (         ) once stayed at and I left feeling just haunted. It is a lot of work growing up. The hardest part is not allowing it to happen to your heart, because, and Wilson, you will discover this in your own time, the real battle of life is not caving into letting go of your sense of wonder.

When you get to be my age you will discover that is what most of this “growing-up” is about. It’s about allowing yourself to know who you really are, forgiving yourself for how you let yourself think you were something you weren’t while you were settling in for that very moment of realization, and not letting that destroy the thing you were before all that “thinking” and “self-analysis” get in the way.

Anyway, I miss you even though we are both invisible things no matter how much light we might pass under, if only for those moments, and I want you to be sure that no matter what choices you are making with your school work as long as you are feeling good and okay about just being “you” I will be happy and I will always be here for you.

after all, we are family-

and it is much easier to not exist comfortably together as long as we are together.

I am off to work now, please send my love to your brothers and tell them I will see them soon and of course, I love and miss you very much- and you may read the books you requested in my locked book-case on the condition you DO NOT write in them (they are not paperback copies to be thrashed around) and also that you replace them where you found them as they are in a specific order and I may need to reference them in a hurry when I am working from home, just so we understand each other- ok. The key is in the mouth of the fake real looking skull above the book drawer next to the picture of Humphrey DeForest Bogart, your father’s favorite actor besides Johnny Depp who is amazing in everything. To open the skull (they used it once in classes at a university ib the 40’s so the story goes) you press the side- the springs holding the jam to the head will unlock and you CAREFULLY reach inside and, ta-da- there is the key. Barbabus may also read whatever is inside but please keep Dumont away from the Existentialist and Classical Romantic Novels as he is depressed enough as it is. Maybe you could ask him if he’d like to go to the park some afternoon. I think some fresh air would do him good.

Yours Always,

Pops

Dear Universe

Send Ryan someone who is worthy, or at least endeavors to be… the world deserves his happiness. That is all.

Happiness

dradams:

not posting in here anymore. but i still like you foggy.

i am upset.

who cares.

I love you. Just because you inevitably and consistently restore my faith in men as a species. Because you leave yourself vulnerable to hurt and aren’t afraid to say when you have been hurt. Because you soar and you dive and everything is EVERYTHING or else it is NOTHING. I simply love how much you feel. And because you can turn it all into amazing music and words that transcend the mundane. Even when they are about the mundane. Because it seems like you have lived seven lifetimes in less than half of one lifetime. Quite simply, you fundamentally rock. Chin up, cheer up. *Love*

everyday….HANG IN!!!!

dradams:

everyday i feel something new.

everyday i try and be well, and when i can’t I try and be okay with knowing I am not always going to be.

I suffer so many instabilities. I have to try and remember to keep myself above water, not to blame myself that I am slightly over-emotional, that I suffer ADD/ADHD that I have insomnia, that I am manic, that I am, well…not perfect.

I struggle with as much dignity as any crazy person can.

And things do get better.

You just have to ask for help sometimes.

a simple gesture is put my way in those times from my chosen fam….

two words….

“HANG IN…”

The Definition of Beauty. Thanks Ryan!

Neal can MetalSolo so fast- it sounds like a Van with Neon Carpet Walls

dradams:

….man, he does this finger tap thing. i dunno man, he only does it if you like super beg him to do it, but i am so going to beg my ass off for him to do a solo, like a real gunsnroses type solo where they do the spotlight and everything- omg that would be so rad and also dumb. (I saw him do it once for real- where he got lost and it was, and i do not say this lightly, George Lynch good- but beyond that- it was all jerseyed out and I thought Neal was gonna start levitating. very rad.

i got a makeshift gong i am using now as a guitar petal. but in order for it to work i have to use the ass end of the guitar where the metal digit that holds the strap in to make it ring.

my goal for tonight to somehow hit a harmonic note AND hit the base of the gong at the same time, in a particular tune. we tried it at soundcheck the other day and it worked ONCE- the second time the gong fell over. ha.

i spray painted the cardinology logo on it- it looks super shitty awesome and i could not have done a more punk ass job of it. the metal parts got taped so after the spray paint dried it could pick up some lights.

I bet D our awesomeness lighting technician who is from the wid west of s.f. will be happy to be back at at our own rig again tonight. OASIS have INfuckingTENSE lighting and video screens and it is BladeRunner 2008 up there. plus just THEM and a white wall is enough to make your hair look like that “is it REAL or MEMOREX” ad……

Canada was amazing but really all you see when you open for a band that popular and rightly so, is your soundcheck, their gig, your gig and then it is the bus (night drives 13 hours plus (one drive was 30 hrs no shit- we stopped at saunt st. marie for some shower because our way zen master driver Dom has to rest and it’s nice to get a quick shower and a bite of food off a moving thing on a 30 hr haul) but CANDADA= long ass night-drives = and we night drive anyway our band because we don’t have any ho players in the band- thank goodness- not that (speaking for myself here-) we don’t like talking to Cardinals fans and stuff but we don’t have people backstage at work really ever because it takes away from the work and also we aren’t party friendly or suck-face friendly- just out here to try and get the noise to go pretty and do the good work- if it can be done) plus chess is rather amazing after a concert (unless you play Brad- i am not playing him anymore- well maybe once more)….and then you are at the bottom of hockey arena’s which are all kind of cool in some way but it was a struggle to get any sunlight in the last week.

i did get to play drums with Matt C who is so so so f’n amazing and the emergency tech’s let me tool around with a wheelchair. my grandfather had one for some time so i know a few badass stunts ( no i did not do any stunts- i even wquit skateboarding because i can’t take another wrist fracture- they’re too damaged)….sigh…..

i sort of had the most amazing dreams last night- not sort of- but did.

in my dream

i made a wish and asked the universe for help, because i have enough pain in me already you know, my arthritis is rather loud lately but my ears are quiet, i guess my left one is just about gone now which is good because going deaf slowly is the LOUDEST thing ever amplified by the quietest weirdest high and low frequencies- i read an entire thing on how to deal with it and in the thing the ear doctor gave me, it said that with a lot of patients (usually much older than I it seems) much frustration and anxiety goes hand in hand with it. mainly because it is very confusing. but i read lips very well already in case ear two goes. but that little engine in me is rather fierce-

so last night, for the tiniest moment, i made this wish, i made this gesture- it is not praying, it is turning myself and whatever is wrong into a question- and i offered it to the universe, to the guides, to whatever creates and destroys time-

and i dreamed i was in a beautiful rowed field and i saw a hand on my hand- and when it touched my fingers- several tons of light rays, some dark, some ripe green banana colored- some yellow like the yellow in a street sigh- blasted from my chest into the sky and the night sky turned backwards and what was dark with stars was just star-white-light with little black dots for stars- still with an ever shining sun.

i woke up and my eyes were crusted and i was snotty like i had been sobbing.

fucking unreal.

and calm was there.

and

i laughed a deep long good laugh just now thinking about it, but, sometimes to let it go- if you must- and want to be present and new for yourself and others and the changing of the day,

you have to ask the silent force which guides to excuse your presumptuous nature. i offered my pain in exchange for good deeds.

if you must suffer fools, suffer them with kindness- even if they drove to the cliff.

but wings were a band and i don’t have them and i don’t guess i know any actual angels at least not the kind that you or I were taught to see.

my favorite part of yesterday was after melt-down 2008 i went for an espresso and a walk to see the city and ended up

a. at an art opening by accident which was a very very good show and the people there were so nice.

b. met a couple, a lovely couple, who were Cardinals Fans and we sat and had coffee and talked about life and their lives and kids and all sorts of things-

c. met someone who flew from chicago on the street to see the gig and he wanted a picture but his hands were kind of shaky (mine get that way sometimes) and so i made him laugh and noticed his hands stopped shkaing and we took a photo together which i looked kind of sad in but also think maybe he was stoked- he seemed so nice.

d. NEWBURY COMICS- wow…..need i say more. great shop.

e. chowder

f. rain soaked neighboorhood walk i was so lost then found a friend and jammed- that was super sweet.

g. watched the movie NETWORK and laughed so hard because i kind of stuck my head out the window yesterday myself.

h. fell asleep without trying

srsly going for choder this very second i cannot stand it any longer.

x

BRAD you got the extension packet- fuck! im getting a sitar then.

dradams:

see you on the bus u fucking badass- now- you gotta get sample drum fills from me i recorded of you- and jump them into your instruments folder. ill show u after sndchk. wanna get a chowder at that place we went last time?…………..

hmmmm new hollywood

dradams:

good for you (          )… you can watch grown men beat the living shit out of each other on television. that’ll get those new tunes flowing. hey just be careful you don’t mind ALSO dating that gaggle of shriveled loud mouths (     ) find so mature, considering you are their only using said person for reservation weight.  esp the one with airport gossips on speed-dial (srsly)….so sad…new hollywood. they never heard of “Sunset Boulevard” because “…people don’t care about those movies anymore….this is NEW HOLLYWOOD”

YAY.

i like to work. in new york we have a word for this kind of thing.

bullshit.

maybe they call this dating in hollywood. i wouldn’t know.

i did the crime, served the time, and am now a hardened immature criminal- a criminal of love.

you know, because should you ever have a single argument, esp if it is because you are upset that suck-face happens on your watch, best just draw that, other-wise…well, you’ll be out here on the street with the rest of us strays.

and GOSH, oh MY, is it just awful actually being interested in artistic american culture, history, and even….hell…..i don’t want to over-share, but Books.

god forbid you bring a book round.

you’ll hear the egg-timer go off. you know, for a perfect fit cinderella may need a few minutes before she has MIX MASTER ADD on the phone for some back-up.

it’s really all about american dreams. some of us use that time to further the advancement of the arts and actually enjoy informed dialog….but what do I know, really, i haven’t ever really accomplished anything myself.

i just shop. and watch dudes nearly kill each other on pay-per-view (it’s very mature), you know, cause, like, people should just get into that- it’s laid back and pleasant and fits in with the whole “everything is always pleasant” routine you wear like a mask in a darkened room of disgust.

i guess some people like the rewards minus the actual product. who cares right. whatever keeps you in tacky bags. good thing too. you can actually pretend to use it to hide while you plug the company.

full circle.

back to zero.

funniest shit i ever saw.

maybe that guy can draw you a picture of what it looks like to smile through the fog of total and complete inability to be alone, cook for oneself or for that,

actually learn the craft.

but really at 24, i guess i’d rather be shopping too if i had nothing important to say.

”as the dog eared muttonchopped lil fella scracthed pirate maps in the empty rooms of the hollywood prison, she frantically scribbled out a list of things things to be accomplished, folded the paper, closed the envelope, and passed it on the the “out-sourcing” department and hurried quickly before all those loose strings frayed”

don’t forget to pack over-sized couch clothes. it is a lot of work getting nothing done. boy AM I EVER missing out.

(…..waits for tears……..waits…………….thanks god to be rid of cultural idiocy…..heads to comic store……)

it takes two. (or in some cases, it takes, well, more than that)

“she is really into him and loves that he’s not famous.” SO REALLLL…………..yboring

after all the violent sport t.v. is off and the paint dried for the thousandth time maybe you guys can figure out how to use that vacuum.

nah.

another day, another pirate map drawing for the fridge (there is nothing in there- you can keep your escape clothes in there- best time to split is…..well, you’ll be by yourself all the time anyway…

in case of emergency ring an ex. (it’s always an ex, or even sometimes really really incredibly talent challenged songwriters….anyone really- something with a pulse…)- or just ask the camera-guys outside the house. it’s faster.

now back to my novel kids. i have tons of new immature projects i wrote all by myself up in this piece……..

thank god thank fucking god.

*Love* What a hard truth to find, but I am so glad you did. Now geez, find someone who could edeavor to deserve you. I have some ideas in case you are fresh out….